Life in the US

Daddy is weird. I can't understand why he can't sit on his butt - he must travel the world constantly. His latest obssession has been to travel back and forth to some strange country somewhere on the other side of the Earth. That was fine for some time, because I was left alone with mommy without him interfering, hugging and kissing her, and all his other disgusting rituals which only I am supposed to do. But then he decided to take us with him. But it turned out to be fun. First of all, there is this thing they call an airplane, it's full of people who sit and puff and snore and massage their ugly old legs, but it's fun to crawl between them and watch daddy become red in the face when he has to apologize to the owners of the ugly old legs. Then, we lived in a small flat, much smaller than the one in Prague, and I had to indicate my claustrophobia by waking up every morning at 4 am. Mommy and daddy would take me to Starbucks to have coffee, and I would take a nap. Then they would take me to the center of the city which is full of very tall buildings and water and green and what not. They usually take me to this fountain where the water splashes in a very funny way, like when I make pee pee in my pampers, so I always laugh when I hear that, only daddy thinks it's because he's tickling me. Mommy is much more cultured, she takes me to the museum. Well, we never go inside, because she says we are not rich enough to pay for everything I would break. So we stay outsde and pose for the old ladies who stop and smile and say, oh, what a cute baby. Of course, what they really want is to have sex with me when I'm 20, but I will always only love mommy. What I really love about America is the little differences. For example, they say Big Mac instead of Le Big Mac. Also, they have these very deep swings that are super difficult to fall from if you are one of the little people. Of course, what they call the little people here are actually midgets, they have a political party and everything, but they are not little people, not really, they are just big people who pose as little people in order to attract attention. Thankfully, they never try to use those swings, so I have all them to myself, yupi!
Ah, and did I mention the tall buildings?
One thing that I must admit is that daddy picked a beautiful city. Chicago is on a lake and there are many many beautiful parks where we would go to have bbqs (this is american for roasted meat, americans like to sound like noone else, but they end up sounding so that noone else could understand them). There was a big park right next to where we lived, and this is the place mommy and daddy picked for our daily
meetings with their friends from the university (I don't understand why daddy still studies when he can do something useful instead, like buy me a new plastic car). In any case, the last time we did it, daddy invited all his closest friends and they ate and talked about stupid things and I played with the bike of one of them. They are a bizarre bunch - Bulgarians, Algerians, Greeks, even Americans. It is supposedly common, but why can't daddy pick proper French friends that would gain me access to women? But he says he does, and in fact I will meet one such woman soon. I can't wait! And this is my life in the US. If I have to summarize it - it's a place where noone looks at you strangely when you do stupid things.

Remembering Bojka

Daddy wanted to upload a story about our friends Krassi and Francois and one of my future wives Sonia who visited from Paris last month. He was too slow - and as he said, when you get slow and sloppy, misfortune strikes.

One of daddy's dearest friends, Bojka Dobreva, was crossing the street on a hot humid Friday last week. černokostelecká ulice - the street of the Black church. Knowing her - she was thinking about the future - the next Bulgarian folk dancing event she was going to organize; the next Bulgarian wine tasting trip; the next trip to Pirin, where she would sing with friends Moren sokol pie during the sleepless nights under the starry sky, like so many times before; the loving children that were to come. One step at a time, crossing an innocent street, marching through an innocent life.

Only there was no future. Because from the hazy distance came a rushing car, like the heavy hand of a forgetful God who doesn't know and doesn't care, and grabbed her away from us. It took four hours for the life to ooze away from her, for her soul to find peace. Life is an equation that death has so far failed to solve. And so is love.

Bog da te prosti, Boichice!

My family, and how to handle it

As I mentioned before, my family is big but manageable. We don't live all under the same roof as people do in Bangladesh. My daddy says that people from Bangladesh live so densely next to each other, that everyone's hands are in somebody else's pockets. But I'm straying.

The reason I'm saying that my family is easy to handle is that I see them one at a time. Or, rather, two at a time. The two I see most of are mommy and daddy. Well, not always at the same time - for example, they take turns in coming to pick me up in the morning from my bed. They think I haven't noticed, but I know all too well who is coming this particular morning. So when it's mommy, I usually wake up early and start whining to attract her attention as quickly as possible, because then she takes me to the bathroom with her for a diaper change and I can then watch her take a shower. Well, when it's daddy's turn, he also takes me to the bathroom so that in theory I could watch him take a shower too, but I couldn't care less. So I usually lie quietly until about 8:00 AM when it's daddy's turn. He says he doesn't mind.

Now, daddy doesn't know that, but I'm in love with mommy, and when I grow up, I will marry her. Of course, I like my girlfriends Johanka and Sonia, but they are not a match for mommy yet; they can't handle a conversation, can't pick me up and, most importantly, don't have beautiful breasts like mommy does. At this stage of my life, I'm a bit obssessed with breasts, but daddy says not to worry, that in time this obssession will develop into a mere healthy appreciation. He also says that if I keep my focus on boobs, we could date women together without quarreling about who dates which one; he, obviously, healthily appreciates butts. But of course, I don't want to date anyone but mommy when I grow up. Mommy is simply the best, the loveliest and the easiest to hug. So daddy should do good to realize that he is redundant as soon as possible. I don't want him to be hurt when he is old and emotionally fragile.

Now, daddy himself is cool, no doubt about it, and I can put up with him for a while. He also likes to do fun things with me, like mommy. For example, he would tickle my belly with his hair until I cry with tears. He also takes me for long walks, sometimes two hours long, and he walks very fast. He says it's good for both of us - it helps me sleep, and it helps him keep in shape. To tell you the truth, I don't know what shape he is talking about. Sometimes I don't understand him. But he taught me to say "tatatata" and now I repeat that all the time because I like the sound of it, and mommy smiles when I do it because it reminds her of daddy who is very far from us right now, in the country where everyone has a car and the only poem they know is one verse of their national anthem. I asked him once why he has to go there so often, and he said, to secure our future. I don't know what that means. See? Told ya.

Now, apart from mommy and daddy, sometimes I am with my grandparents. My grandmommy Bozhana and granddaddy Angel from Bulgaria visited us some time ago, and we are going to visit them in a month. They are very sweet and funny people. My grandmommy Bozhana sings me songs before I go to sleep, and she's very huggable and fluffy. Granddaddy Angel sometimes holds me like he is afraid I will break, but I know that when I grow up, he will treat me like a big boy and teach me to drink rakia and play tablanet. His daddy taught my daddy this game when my daddy was a little older than me, so apparently it's a family tradition. We, Bulgarians, are well-known for being smarter than our neighbour, and for our love for simple pleasures. Cards, drinking, football, eating and chatting in smoke-filled pubs until the early hours. I'm so excited I will be growing up!

These days, I spend much more time with my grandmommy Jana and granddaddy Jarek from Ostrava. This is a city in the East of the Czech Republic, five hours from Prague where we live right now. Granddaddy Jarek has a massive moustache, which used to scare me when I was little, but now I'm starting to appreciate it because there is always food in it. Grandmommy Jana is always smiling, and she is the best cook in the world - I eat her food "filtered", as daddy says. We go to see them often, and they have a big house where I can crawl as much as I want, with a huge garden where any of them can rock in their chairs with me whenever they like. It's really a lovely place. Sometimes, when all of us are there, mommy and daddy go out in the evenings alone, like when they were just married, and then I either cry a lot before I go to sleep, or I don't, if I decide it's not worth it, and play with the plush bear and the plush monkey. So everyone has peace.

As I said - easy to handle. They are the best, and I wouldn't exchange them even for the British Royal family. Actually - especially for the British Royal family.

About me

Who am I? A little man by the name of Andrej. I've had many names when I was younger - Pan Houska (Mr. Caterpillar), Urvanek (the Crying One), Bubi, Biba and Bibon. Well, to my mommy and daddy I am still Biba.

My mommy is very beautiful. Sometimes we walk in the park and other babies would look at her and start making weird noises to attract her attention. They want her to take them home and take care of them, because every baby wants a pretty mommy. But then I make a poo poo and start crying louder than them and mommy has to rush home and change me.

My daddy is funny. He has black glasses because he works in the bank that makes money, but at home he is crazy. He does stupid things all the time and mommy laughs. He also thinks that he is playing with me, but it's really the other way round. It is enough that I crawl to him or make a "bru-bru" sound with my lips, and he would take me and throw me up and down in the air.

I have two cars, mommy and daddy call them strollers, but they are really cars. I use the big blue one when I don't want to play with the other babies and I want to hide from them. It is big and comfy, like a Rolls Royce. The sporty one I use when I want to get things done, like ride around quickly and impress the girls. It has an open roof and is like a Porsche cabriolet.

I have a big family in Ostrava, Sofia, Prague and New York. I have a grandmommy, granddaddy and greatgrandmommy in Ostrava, a grandmommy, granddaddy and two greatgrandmommies in Sofia, an uncle in Prague and an aunt, an uncle and a cousin in New York. My daddy says that if we all gather under one roof, it will be like a Mafia wedding. I have no idea what that means.

I have many friends - Sonia, Johanka, Kuba, Vojta and Vasik. Actually, I will see Sonia for the first time in a month. I talked to her when I was in mommy's tummy, they say she is very pretty. Johanka is very pretty too, and the guys are fun. I hope to grow tall so that the girls prefer me, but Kuba, Vojta and Vasik are quite a competition.

Ah, I forgot to say - I am 8 months old. These days my mommy and daddy like to dress me up and walk around with me slowly to show everyone how handsome I am. Or at least that's what they think. In reality, I like to walk them around slowly to show everyone what cool mommy and daddy I have.

Welcome!